I’m so Alone…

It seems that I lead an empty life. Yes, I did more thinking – and I should know better because that shit is toxic! – and came to the conclusion that I’m… missing something.

I’m somewhat of an introvert. Always have been, ever since childhood. Working for eight years at my parents’ restaurant changed me a bit – I became more sociable with people. However, I still feel awkward when I’m out there. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. I can deal with people if I have something to sell them, but if I’m talking to them about stuff in general, I feel the awkwardness again. Eight years, dammit. Even with friends, I feel awkward. I feel like I’m playing second fiddle to people. Like, if I’m talking to somebody or hanging out with them, I don’t have their full attention. I’m kinda like the video game you play just because there’s nothing else to do. At least on the Net, I can just switch applications and do something else instead of standing around feeling out of place in real life.

I watch a lot of bishoujo anime. Not just lately, but in general. I had many chances to date many girls, but I never took any of the chances to go for it. I’m not shy or anything. I just feel… that awkwardness. At first, I thought I was gay (although I do exhibit some female behavior and I do appreciate the beauty of men), but that’s not the case (although I COULD be bi). I feel awkward around ANYBODY unless I’m at home. In front of my computers, no less. Shit, I’m pathetic. I complain about not having anybody special, and yet I don’t do anything about it. Not that I could do anything anyway, since the type of girl (or guy???) that I want doesn’t live in town. I can’t leave town either, because I have responsibilities.

Yeah, okay, if you’re thinking that I should say, “to hell with responsibility”, then you’re overlooking the fact that I’m Chinese. I just can’t do that. Life’s not fair? Yeah, I totally agree. You have to lose something to gain another. I lost that somebody special so that I could gain my immense collection of goods from Japan. Well, that somebody special is that person I’ve never met before who’s perfect for me. I’m saddened at that fact, and yet, I dread that it happens, because that will be the day that my hobbies are forgotten (or worse – thrown away). Despite that, I still feel lonely.

Quite the paradox.

Additional Resources

The one with all the Lesson Reviews.

I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with this blog ever since I started using Hummingbird last fall. So, I decided to try an idea of mine called Lesson Reviews. Essentially, it’s more of a “what I learned from X anime” than a review, but the thing is, there will be good and […]

Comments

  1. Lemme be the first to say: YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE!!!

    Hell, a lot of times I feel the awkwardness of which you speak (THIS guy e.e?’ . . .”. It sux, really does. I see myself as an introvert as well as an extrovert (can they exist simultaneously??). I find myself insecure with a lot of “myself”, yet I don’t give a damn? WTF!? I don’ make sense . . . I’m view by people as an extrovert and a complete “GO GETTER!”, but a lot of times I don’ feel like that. I’m tired of bein’ told “You’re a HOTTIE!! +_+ How come you’re still single!?!” and by the same person “Well, you’re not my type” or “I’d date ya . . . if you weren’t . . . you know . . .”. Sux to be us dude :\ You’re still young, like myself, and we’ve got a lot we still have to learn and figure out. There isn’t a book on life that lays out each and every chapter, for it’s different for ALL of us . . . yet strangely similar o.- and as far as your sexuality, may need to explore that more too. Hell, nothin’ wrong with bein’ bi at all, I am :D well, let’s break it down: 85% homosexual; 15% heterosexual. It fluctuates, but I dunno what factors control this ^_^` So mysterious, ne? o_o? Anyway, I’m here to talk if ya need to rant, or there’s LJ ^_^~ Like you said “We pretty much talk on LJ” >D In closing, live with no regrets and don’ kick yourself in the ass too often for choices you may or may have not made, YOU’RE HUMAN!! chu~

    ~Ayu-mi-yake~

  2. Hahaha, thanks for the “pep talk”, I certainly don’t have any RL friends to talk to about this kinda thing.

    OMG, you got that too??? This girl I’ve been friends with since September told me the exact same words, “I think you’re cute! I’d go out with you!”, but back then, I said, “Thanks, but, uhhh… you know.” Awkwardness strikes again. So, just recently, I put myself out there and asked her out, but she was all, “Oh, I don’t think I wanna go out with you, you’re not my type,” blah blah blah, and she never talked to me for a long while. Hypocrite! Now she wants to be my friend again (incidentally got to talk to her because I was picking up some stuff she borrowed), but I don’t think it’s gonna happen. As friends, we “broke up” several times. I think that’s a big clue. It makes me wonder why I even bother with the opposite sex. I don’t understand them and they don’t understand me. Dammit, it’s all so confusing. It’s like a love/hate thing I have with girls. And you’re right, I haven’t explored the guy thing yet, and guys don’t scare me off, even if they’re same-sex oriented. DAMMIT, I live in such a homophobe-infested town!!

    There, I ranted. ^_^

    Hahaha, I’m only human. I wish more people were open-minded like that. Make one mistake and you’re labelled for life. What a sad world we live in. It’s hard to live like a normal human who makes mistakes when people point them out to you all the time. Thanks again for listening, I feel better already. Nothing was really solved, but sometimes, I need to let it all out and have somebody let me know that they’re listening.

  3. madolescent says:

    Hey, I would’ve replied last night but I was busy with stuff. Anyway, I’m younger than both of you guys, but I’m veryyy introverted. I usually just consider it “being shy” or something I’ll outgrow, but I don’t think I ever want many friends, I like being alone and having my independant opinions. I always hoped that my life would get figured out after I end college in the future. I’d move away from my parents and live on my own with a job and stuff.. Why do you still live in that small town and not just move? That’s what I’d do, I plan on leaving this area forever after college.

    Anyway, here’s my standing on you “turning gay” overnight and “giving up on girls”. I remember my parents and I got into an arguement earlier this year, because “i’m in a bad mood all the time”, and I just told them that I was gay, since I’ve had these attractions for 3 to 4 years. Well, over the next few days, that caused A LOT of clamor between me and my parents, and I ended up submitting to them. “I didn’t give girls a good enough chance,” was my response, and that ended the conflict.

    For the next week or two, I tried having a *straight* mindset because they had brainwashed me with “you’re too young to know!” and “AIDS is so rampant in that community!” and “it’s a very dangerous lifestyle!” but it’s just not possible for me to have sexual attraction to girls, and I don’t think it’s dangerous to be gay unless you have multiple partners you pick up at bars.

    Now in your situation, if you have sexual attractions to girls just try to force yourself into thinking guys are better, it’s probably not going to work out because you’ll really want girls still. OH WELL this was a lot of blabber, sorry for taking so much space!

  4. No, no, I don’t mind seeing my space getting taken up. It’s better than having no comments at all. Anyway, on why I won’t move right away, my parents own a Chinese restaurant and we’ve been working there for eight years. Unfortunately, good help is hard to find, especially when Chinese are employers. I don’t want to sound mean, but honestly, a huge percentage of Canadians and Americans are lazy. I walk into a McDonald’s and I never see anybody doing real work. At Wal-Mart, I find people talking to customers during work and stopping everything they’re doing just for that. My parents understand this so we always have an employee workspan of one month. Maybe less. Due to this, I hold many of the major responsibilities at the restaurant, which is pretty close to managerial and executive decisions, as well as the manual labor. Currently, though, we have nobody employed since my brother is back from University (although he’s pretty much 100% Canadian and has inherited that laziness). With that all said, if I were to move, my parents would be, in a word, screwed. And it’s not like they’re not paying me. They’re paying me a ridiculous salary with free room, board, and food (it IS a restaurant after all ^_^). They know that the restaurant is holding me back from living my own life, but I do get my benefits too. The restaurant will close in about four years or so, so I’ll be free to leave then. During that time, I plan to make trips to Japan and HK each summer. Need to get away from it all, you know. ^_^

    So, on to the topic of the homosexual lifestyle, I have to agree with what you say. When your mindset is one way, you can’t help it, you’re pretty much born like that. It’s so strange, though. I do want girls, but I always feel awkward around them. I even had a steady relationship with a girl for a good year and a half, but I never felt truly happy with her. It was strange. Kinda like I knew it wasn’t gonna work out, yet I clung to it like an illusion or something. I never really considered guys until one of my friends came out. It shocked me, but I found that I was still hanging out with him while everybody else left. Unfortunately, he left to college so I never really gave that area any perusal. I still haven’t. As a result, I put my romantic life on hold. I’m not worried about it now, though, but my loneliness does came back to haunt me from time to time, which resulted in this LJ entry. Hehehe. I just need to rant it all away sometimes, I guess.

    On your parents, I hope you realize by now that the danger level with guys is the same level with girls. It all depends on how you practice safe sex. And it’s also unfair why many people think that being same-sex oriented is so wrong. Shouldn’t they just be happy as long as you’re happy?? Shit. Anyway, I hope your parents have opened/will open their eyes.

  5. madolescent says:

    I’m glad that you get a great pay right now and this job won’t be permanent, so you’ll soon be able to branch out more with your life! :]

    I disagree on the McDonald’s and Walmart things. At my McDonald’s near me, the managers are always shouting at the employees and working them like dogs on that crummy little pay. Which is why I’d never do a job like that.
    Many people in the U.S. can be lazy, but I think they’re more-so spoiled and unthankful for their great lives. They’re never satisfied, and always have to make fun of other people’s lifestyles out of boredom.

    But anyway, yes, girls can be JUST as dangerous if you have lots of unprotected sex. It just wasn’t the right time yet to “come out”, for lack of better words. In a few more years, I can make them understand better. I think, in the future, when they see how happy I am living with my boyfriend, that’ll clarify their perception of the matter.

  6. There was this Chinese HK drama series running on TV – same actors, but playing different characters in different storylines every episode. It was a cool episode. One episode was a serious show that concerned homosexuality. One guy was gay and his parents had a hard time accepting his boyfriend into the family, but in the middle of the episode, they eventually warmed up to him and welcomed him. However, unbeknownst to everybody, his young brother was also feeling gay. He had a girlfriend, but he couldn’t get close to her. Eventually, he came out and his parents blamed the older brother for it, and took it all out on his bf even!! In the end, though, they also warmed up to it, but it was a good episode that focused on how homosexuality is slowly being accepted in a Chinese culture. After reading through your LJ, I surmised that you like Asian people, but I gotta tell you, we have problems too. One good thing I like over here is the fact that even though people resent you for being who you are, you have groups and people you can go to with your problems. Over in the Asian countries, you’re all alone. Everybody’s too afraid to come out so there is no support. It’s disgraceful to be homosexual, and it’s an old-fashioned way of thinking too. I think my parents would disown me if I were to become gay. It’s really sad because it puts pressure on that area of decision, but I’m glad I’m in a place where I won’t have to be alone anyway. Still, family is important to me, so it would be difficult to not have them around. But, I digress, I’m off on another tree’s limb here. Hehehe.

    About McDonald’s and Wal-Mart, it purely depends on the managers and stuff, I guess. The managers that work there are pretty laid-back and stuff. I mean, shit does get done, but they don’t lay into their employees and stuff like you describe. I can picture it in a Canadian Tire or so. It probably just depends on who works in which store. Maybe lazy wasn’t a good word to use. Where my parents came from, you dedicated yourself to a job and don’t even THINK about taking breaks or time-off or whatever because jobs are hard to come by. You ALWAYS get crummy pay, no matter where you worked, so you appreciated the fact that you HAVE a job. I guess in the States or Canada, people don’t appreciate it because they can always go on welfare or some other fund or whatever. Well, maybe not in the States or whatever. I guess what I’m trying to say is that in terms of work, Asians generally work harder than North Americans, because life is so poor that you can’t afford not to work. As a result, Asians don’t really know how to enjoy life because their lives revolve around work and money. That’s one thing about Canadians and Americans that I like. They enjoy their lives as much as they can. Okay, it’s just facts and my opinions, so don’t be mad. I’m only talking about the majority of people anyway.

  7. madolescent says:

    Yah well, every parent seems to think that their son has turned gay because of someone else’s influence, I’ve learned this. But in actuality, it’s 100% their own decision.

    Ahh! you mean you actually read through my stupid LJ? I have a lot of dumb/silly entries :P Anyway, there was a time when I wished I was Asian also, but I’d rather accept who I am than want to be someone else. My recent motto has been “no regrets.” because everything you do in life leads to some other outcome. And I might not have met certain people, etc. So, yeah, I’m proud to be American! *salutes flag* lol..

    I think if your family can’t accept what you choose to do in life, then they don’t deserve you, because life is too short to just sit around and worry about what everyone else thinks. Do what your gut instinct tells you is right, and you’ll succeed..! Yah, I guess that’s a good philosophy.

  8. Keep on keepin’ on bro! ^_~

  9. Hehehe, even if you sneeze a different way, your parents will always blame your friends. It’s a fact, and when we all get older, we’ll end up like our parents. How sad. -_-

    Yep, I’m proud to be Canadian too! *salutes Japanese flag* Okay, maybe not… :P

    You know, it’s easy for you to be Asian. Just marry somebody Asian and you’ll get injected into the culture really quickly to please the in-laws! Hahaha.

    Yeah, I agree with your philosophy. However, my conscience would weigh down on my gut instinct. So, I’ve got a double-edged sword there.

  10. Oh, yeah, I kept on keepin’ on the keepin’ on!

  11. madolescent says:

    Well, I don’t agree with the thing about “being like your parents”. My parents aren’t strict on me *AT ALL* compared to their parents, they let me do mostly whatever I want. I just made a big deal earlier this year because “being gay” was one of the first things they’ve said NO to me for :P As for myself, I already am not like my parents compared to their childhood. They weren’t gay and spent their life on the internet last time I looked.

    To please the in-laws? Well, if my boyfriend’s parents are against homosexuals, then that’d be pretty difficult to accomplish.

    Hmm..yah lots of things in life are a double-edged sword, ne?

  12. That’s right! Even double-edged swords are… umm… O_o … double-edged swords… -_- <sigh>

    Well, of course not, silly! The internet didn’t even exist until after WW2, and even then, it was only used for educational purposes among two universities! :P

    Well, being like your parents is kind of a tricky thing. You may be trying not to be like your parents at all. Since your parents were only angry about being homosexual, obviously you will be more open-minded and receptive about that to your kids. But, say that in the future, our kids do even weirder stuff than we did like… I dunno… get a cybernetic arm or eye or something??? Then, you’d probably overreact the same way your parents did. Really, it depends on the situation where you want to make sure your kids are okay and all rational thought flees your mind. I have a little brother, and I go “parenty” on him if he does certain things that I don’t approve of. It’s all in the blood, man. You’re still young, so you’ll have a chance to figure it out. Then you’ll be thinking, “Hmm… that MugenHAN was right… maybe I should… I dunno… give him a Hallmark card… or something…”

    Okay, maybe you won’t. Hahaha! ^_^

  13. madolescent says:

    LOL..i dunno if I’m even gonna have kids, they pester me easily.. babies crying in restaurants is the most annoying thing, i’d rather listen to my bird chirp endlessly all day x_x plus, i’ve admitted to people before that I’m a spoiled person and I wouldn’t even wanna be the parent that had to take care of me! My most desired thing is to just have a mate to spend my life with and no other interferences.. of course, if my boyfriend absolutely wants to adopt, then i’d have to. anyway, thanks for the “elder advice”, mr. mugenhan! talk to you later.

  14. Does this mean I don’t get a Hallmark card? O_o

    Hahaha, no prob, man. I like talking about these kinds of things. They are interesting and always open to debate.

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