Opening Up…

Well, just to let you know before I jump in… I drew the bow rather badly. I think I managed to get a squeal out of my violin. Heh.

Anyway, a lot happened today at work. The normal work stuff happened. Eugene left early to hang out with Tom, just like he always does. It wasn’t that busy today overall, due to Nickel Days, a poor excuse for community together-ness and festivities. There are some rather personal things that happened about me, so if you dare to read about it, go ahead.

Well… where to begin? I guess it started when I was trying to get a note – ANYTHING – from my violin. Nothing, nada. I couldn’t get anything. I did as an online tutorial said, but I couldn’t get anything to come out. I was starting to get frustrated at myself when my dad decided to take a crack at it. Before I could say anything, the phone rang, and I had to grab it. When I got off the phone, he had already drawn notes – scattered and horrid ones – but notes, nevertheless. I was flabbergasted. There I was, trying seriously for over an hour and he manages to do it within minutes of fooling around. Buried feelings of teen angst and low self-esteem resurfaced. If my dad could draw notes from the violin without even trying, then what the hell was wrong with me? Why can’t I do such a simple thing? Questions like these plagued my mind. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and I exploded, verbally letting out all my frustrations. My mom got upset and my dad got angry, and as usual, it all became a big blame-fest. “I’m wrong, I’m wrong, I’m always wrong. Nobody understands me.” “You’re too jealous and selfish!” “I’m not, you just don’t understand me! I can’t do anything I want right! I can work with computers, but I hate it! I don’t like doing it!” “You’re lying!” “No, I’m not!” The tears started falling. More teen angst. I’m frickin’ 23 years old and I’ve got teen angst all over again. Hysteric crying ensued. Repeated “nobody understands me at all” and “why won’t you believe me?” over and over again while writhing on the floor, convulsing in uncontrollable sobs. I’m 17 all over again. I eventually got sick of lying on the floor and I decided to lock myself in the office. REAL mature. I came rather close to calling the only person who would understand what I was going through, but I somehow doubted that she’d be much help anyway, since I was the only one who could help myself. So, I ran through all the things I needed to say to my parents. How working on computers does not allow me to express myself. How I want to express myself through art and music. How I suck at it. And how I feel cursed for having a talent I don’t want and not having the talents I want. I can sit in front of a computer and do many things with it without even using a single brain cell, and I can even figure out how to do the unknown through common sense and amazing intuition. I still don’t know how I do it – it’s like magic when I sit down in front of the computer. But my question was – why couldn’t I do the same for art and music? I tried to draw, but it came out wrong. I tried to play one single note, even a bad one, from my violin and I was greeted with silence. Why was I even put on this earth for? Eventually, I came out of my seclusion and told my parents that I needed to talk to them seriously. It was real touch-and-go for a while before I eventually voiced what I thought back in the office. About how I always kept things from them since I was a child, which was the reason why they never really understood me. About how I tried to do some of the things I wanted, like drawing, and how it came out as a failed attempt. Whereas my prodigal brother, Eugene, excelled in art (and subsequently, music later on). I was envious of him, but I was mostly angry at myself because I could not do these things when it was what I wanted all along. I wanted to express my feelings and thoughts through drawing and music. I wanted to convey my emotions and share them with people in a way that they could understand. Nobody is going to stare at my PHP code and realize what a great thing I did, especially for somebody who had only barely looked at C programming before. But, if I can draw a happy person or play something sad on my violin, people will understand what I’m saying without words. My parents acknowledged me, eventually. I knew they would if I calmed down and explained it to them without screaming. I’m really emotional and defensive about my feelings, but if I didn’t open up, my parents would continue to be in the dark. I can’t be afraid to share with them. After all, they are the most important people in my life. I shouldn’t have to hide anything from them. My mom was understanding, as always. My dad offered me the crudest advice he could give by using examples from his past experience with his own father – but he sincerely tried. He’s a bit of a dense father, but he’s MY dense father, and that’s what counts, I guess. ^_^

My loh-moh and sam-yee told me that I should have been born a girl. What a shame. I agree with them, sadly enough. I’m way too feminine in certain things. Thank god I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Hehehe. Damn you, Seinfeld!

So, what now? Well, my dad did offer some useful advice – to be confident in myself. I think that’s the first time he’s ever told me that. I’ve heard it from movies and from friends, but never from my dad. As a result, I don’t want to disappoint him. So, after getting home just now, I drew a long note from my violin! Not the greatest, but it was sure something. I can’t wait to do more. I want to beat my self-esteem. It may take me another 13 years, but I intend to improve. I intend to live my dreams. I may not be the best, but I will be the best that I can be, in my own eyes. In a way, my problem is already half-solved.

Additional Resources

The one with all the Lesson Reviews.

I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with this blog ever since I started using Hummingbird last fall. So, I decided to try an idea of mine called Lesson Reviews. Essentially, it’s more of a “what I learned from X anime” than a review, but the thing is, there will be good and […]


  1. rivendarkangel says

    “If today isn’t good enough, be sure tomorrow makes up for it.”
    You told me that when we first got back in touch. You said Daniel told you that when you were going through a tough bit after Sheri and you broke up. I think it’s appropriate words of wisdom for the moment.
    “You cannot walk into the future, backwards” David has told me over and over again. You need to focus on today and today alone, and make it as damn good as possible, without sacrificing the bridge to tomorrow as well.
    “Stop quoting people and use your own words” I keep telling myself, but I seem to find that’s hard. O_o I’m here for you, bro. If not on the same level or with the same background, I do understand where your mind just might be right now, and deffinately your heart. Parents are confusing creatures. They often do things unexpected and confusing, that anger us and make us feel small, like your dad did with the violin. Well, they’re human, so are we I suppose; we do just as many things that surprise them as they do that surprises us. Humanity’s a fickle thing.
    I better stop ranting before I fzha*&^…. Parity Error…

  2. Yeah, I did say that, didn’t I? I was in a greal deal of denial back then, so I think that I was also saying it to myself at the same time.

    I kinda miss Shari these days. I think it’s because after reflecting a bit, I did push our relationship on her a bit harder than usual. Nowadays, I really reflect on who was the woman in that relationship. ^_^ I was always demanding and needed to see her at least once a day, and hear her tell me that she loved me. It brings a smile to my face when I realize that our roles were somewhat reversed. Hehehe. But, it’s in the past – they were fond memories, except for the last little bit. Obviously.

    I’m the one that always says, “Stop quoting people and use your own words.” I made that up. Yep. I was the first person to say so. Read your textbooks, it’ll say so. Don’t argue with me. You stole that line. Thief! :P Hahahaha.

    Give and take, that’s what life is about. I’m just glad that my parents understand me a bit more. It’s always hard for them because I sometimes act like the Canadian I try so hard to repress, and it scares them because they don’t know how to deal with it, and I want them to deal with it the way a Canadian parent would. So, we were both just hurting each other.

    I was watching “In the Realm of Success” last night, and Chi-chai got into a fight with his father. Chi-chai and his father works at the same hotel, so word spreads quickly through the grapevine. His father didn’t understand the situation that Chi-chai was in, but insisted on getting involved anyway, which got Chi-chai into even more trouble with his bosses at work. His father was acting the exact same way that my father acts like – stubborn and old-fashioned. He was even ignoring Chi-chai and wouldn’t even sit next to him on the bus to work. However, Chi-chai was coming home from work later on and saw his father trying to help an old lady carry folded cardboard boxes up a flight of stairs, but they all dropped, so he helped out his father. The old lady mused about how Chi-chai was such a good son that cared enough to help his father in need. After that, Chi-chai took his dad out for snacks and all was well again. Sometimes, I guess both father and son can’t be too stubborn-headed, and since we’re living in a modern age where we’re supposed to rise above our petty problems, the son should take the initiative and offer the peace. After all, parents don’t live forever, and we should cherish them for as long as we have them, no matter what they’re like.

  3. I love watching Chinese TV dramas – see-jong. There’s romance, sure, but they concentrate on teaching lessons about family and love throughout the series.

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