RantFict #1: Exit Rant, Enter RantFict™!

Heihachi had an idea. It slowly sat in the back of his mind while he was busy trying to get the HIOS.org website overhauled and debugged before MugenHAN.com launched. He decided to change the way he presented the material in his rant space.

Heihachi: (Triumphantly makes a pose with fireworks popping in the background.) I shall call it… a RantFict™!!

He had felt that rants were becoming more commonplace in personal websites everywhere, so he decided to write his rants the same way he writes his fiction, using the Team HANime Script-3 Format.

Heihachi: This could get boring fast, though… unless I add some characters to talk with…
Hidetoshi: (Suddenly appears behind Heihachi.) Niisan, are you talking to yourself again?
Heihachi: Yow! (Leaps up onto a chandelier.)
Hidetoshi: (Holds up a sign with a 10 on it.) Not bad. Wait a sec… (Makes a face.) … since when do you have a chandelier in your room? You live in your parents’ basement!
Heihachi: You know what? You’re right. (The chandelier disappears from existence, and Heihachi falls down.) That hurt.

All of a sudden, the basement door opened up and somebody walked down the stairs.

Heihachi: Hey, somebody else is here!
Hidetoshi: Your parents, maybe?
Heihachi: No way, this is a RantFict. Besides, that person’s in shadow.
Hidetoshi: Ooh, ominous!
Shadowed Person: (In a male voice.) Yo, what’s the dealio?
Heihachi & Hidetoshi: (Simulataneously.) NIC KLEYH?!?!
Green-Haired Guy: (Stepping out of the shadows.) Who? (Heihachi and Hidetoshi fall over.)
Heihachi: (Slowly gets up with a nervous smile and a sweat drop on his head.) Heh heh …never mind.
Hidetoshi: So… who exactly are you, and what exactly are you doing here?
Green-Haired Guy: I’m Tric Keyh, your new neighbor. I just wanted to come and introduce myself.
Hidetoshi: (Raises an eyebrow in skepticism.) So… it’s Tric Keyh?

In the background, Heihachi’s PS2 was running the opening to SSX Tricky by Run DMC. A tear drop appeared on Hidetoshi’s head.

Tric (Green-Haired Guy): It’s like that!
Hidetoshi: (Flatly.) Nice to meet you.
Heihachi: Umm… nice to meet you too.
Tric: Too much repetition!

Silence.

Tric: You gotta trick to boost!

More silence.

Hidetoshi: Okay, that’s it. (Grabs the tear drop off his head and uses it to pummel Tric through the roof.) <WHACK!>
Tric: <CRASH!> Your boost is full, use iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttt… (Fades into the distance.)
Heihachi: Cool, Akane style.
Hidetoshi: That has to be the stupidest character I’ve ever seen.
Towelie: (Walks downstairs.) Don’t forget to bring a towel! (Walks away.)
Hidetoshi: (With a flat expression.) I retract my previous statement.

Shaking his head, Hidetoshi grabbed a chair and sat down while Heihachi sat down on his office chair at the black tower that was his computer.

Hidetoshi: So, what’s new with you?
Heihachi: Well, as you already know, I’ve gotten hooked on the violin. I’m still wondering if I should buy one, though.
Hidetoshi: Why’s that?
Heihachi: Well… we talked yesterday afternoon on MSN about our plans to move to Winnipeg in a couple of months.
Hidetoshi: (Rubbing his hands in glee.) Yeah, I can hardly wait!
Heihachi: (Nods.) It’ll definitely be cool. Anyway, I’ve decided to wait until we get settled into the city for a while before I start investing my money in another hobby. For now, I’ll just collect violin CD’s and MP3’s. Besides… I want to find a good teacher in the city.
Hidetoshi: It’s an idea.
Heihachi: (Nods.) Yeah. I guess I’ve finally had it with this stupid town. I know I’ll just be trading one set of problems for another, but I want a change of pace, you know? It’s really hard sometimes to cope with living in a small city. I mean, most of my friends left town or are no longer my friends. Isn’t that strange? The only one person in town here who is my true friend would be Patrick.
Hidetoshi: Patrick? What about James?
Heihachi: Don’t get me wrong. James is also a good friend of mine, but Patrick has one major advantage over him.
Hidetoshi: Which is?
Heihachi: He is strong in the ways of the woman.
Hidetoshi: <GASP!> Th-that’s impossible!
Heihachi: No. He IS the Man-Whore.
Hidetoshi: (Barely able to contain his shock.) H-how did he accomplish such a feat??
Heihachi: He had to travel between Multiverses so that he could kill 128 versions of himself. All that extra power made him smarter, stronger, and faster.
Hidetoshi: That would make him unstoppable!
Heihachi: Yes. No woman can resist enlisting his services now. His l337 h4x0r skillz are getting stronger too.
Hidetoshi: Amazing…

They sat in thought for a moment and then Heihachi turned on his monitor.

Heihachi: Poor Akira-chan. She’s gone through so much this past month. Her heart and soul have been replaced with more advanced parts. She finally ascended to the next level.
Hidetoshi: Athlon XP?
Heihachi: Oh yeah.
Hidetoshi: That was one ballsy upgrade you made there.
Heihachi: Uh-huh. No doubt will moths occupy my wallet for a long time to come. However… because of this drastic change, is Akira-chan the same PC she was before?
Hidetoshi: One could sit and discuss the ramifications of your actions.
Heihachi: Or, one could just change his PC’s name because he feels like it!! (Laughs maniacally while he starts typing on the keyboard.)
Hidetoshi: You need help, d00d.
Heihachi: (With a smirk.) I know.

Nothing except for the echo of clicking keys on the keyboard resonated throughout the basement until Hidetoshi made a face.

Hidetoshi: Hey, renaming your comp doesn’t require the use of so many keys. You just have to change the name in the Network properties and rename the My Computer icon.
Heihachi: Yeah, I know. I just wanted to make it seem like I’m still a Linux boy.
Hidetoshi: You abandoned Linux a long time ago.
Heihachi: (With a demon head.) No, I didn’t!!! I’m just more familiar with Windows programs!
Hidetoshi: (Flatly.) Windows boy.
Heihachi: Say what you want, f00! It’s a love/hate relationship with me and Windows! Hate to use it, but love the programs and games that are developed for it!
Hidetoshi: (Sighs in resignation.) Sadly, I have to agree. Without Windows, we would’ve never been able to experience StarCraft. (Patriotically crosses his arm over his chest.) For great attle.
Heihachi: (Also crosses his arm across his chest.) For great attle.

Heihachi and Hidetoshi stared at each other for a few seconds before speaking again.

Heihachi: Attle?
Hidetoshi: Four comps.
Heihachi: I’ll set up the game.
Hidetoshi: Damn RantFict is getting too long for its own good, anyway.
Heihachi: No kidding. Die already.

おわり。


Heihachi typed up a “classified ad” of sorts on the rant space of his website with a grin on his face. Hopefully, if all went well, somebody would reply soon. He perused the ad once over, making sure that he didn’t miss anything.

Ad: “Wanted. Mint, unopened copies of the following CDs – Hamasaki Ayumi: KANARIYA (Japan Version), and Hamasaki Ayumi: appears (Japan Version). Please send an e-mail if you have any questions. Business will be conducted arbitrarily through eBay, using PayPal as the payment medium. Thanks for looking!”

After making sure that the ad was satisfactory, he saved it and uploaded it to his rant space… then he went to play Diablo II.

Readers: (Tear drops appear on their heads.) …

Additional Resources

The one with all the Lesson Reviews.

I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with this blog ever since I started using Hummingbird last fall. So, I decided to try an idea of mine called Lesson Reviews. Essentially, it’s more of a “what I learned from X anime” than a review, but the thing is, there will be good and […]

Comments

  1. rivendarkangel says:

    It’s time to rock around- to rock around- to!
    *CRUNCH*
    Yo, just like I planned it~ Only bad.
    *CRUNCH*
    Feet on board, board on snow, RIGHT I got it NOW!

  2. This is probably not gonna be the last time we run into Tric Keyh. I think it’s because he’s… umm… unique? ^_^

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