RantFict #2: Letting Go

Heihachi sat at his desk in deep contemplation. He had spent almost the entire weekend mulling over his problems and trying to decide what the best course of action would be for him. As are most things in life, the majority of his problems seemed to solve themselves. Everything came into clarity by the end of the weekend.

Hidetoshi: (Descending into the basement.) こんにちはにいさん。
Subtitles: “Hello, older brother.”
Heihachi: (With a tired grin on his face.) こんにちはおとうとさん。おげんきですか？
Subtitles: “Hello, younger brother. How are you?”
Hidetoshi: (Walking over to Heihachi and sits down beside him at the computer.) げんきです。
Subtitles: “I’m fine.”
Heihachi: Your Japanese is really improving.
Hidetoshi: Yep. I think that’s just because I’m a character in your RantFict™.
Heihachi: True.
Hidetoshi: So… what’s new?
Heihachi: Well… remember how we discussed that we’ll be getting a place together in 2 months or so?
Hidetoshi: Yeah.
Heihachi: Well… it looks as though that might not happen.
Hidetoshi: (In shock.) What? Why?
Heihachi: I talked to my parents about it, and they didn’t take it seriously. Then, when I insisted it was true, they disagreed because it would leave them and the restaurant in a bad position.
Hidetoshi: So… what did you say?
Heihachi: Well, after many occurrences of sudden agreement and disagreement from them, they finally caved in and said I could go. However… my dad went crazy go nuts on me. He even went so far as to say that if I ever needed help, that I shouldn’t go to him.
Hidetoshi: Well… it’s not like you’re really gonna do that anyway, right?
Heihachi: Right! Exactly! Except… he didn’t even listen to me at all and we got into a huge argument. However, it was totally one-sided, since he was convinced that he was right. I hate it when he does that. I really hate my father for being such an unreasonable person who has to win every argument he gets in, even over who makes a mess at work when he’s the only person who could do so. It’s unfair, I have the most insensitive and unsympathetic father in the world.
Hidetoshi: It seems like it, doesn’t it?
Heihachi: No, I’m serious. Look.

He opened up Internet Explorer on the computer and typed in the URL for Google. Then, he ran a search for “insensitive unsympathetic father”. The search returned over several million results. All of the first 20 results had Heihachi’s father’s name listed in each one.

Hidetoshi: Whoa.
Heihachi: See what I mean? He gets an award for it too! (Growls in frustration.)
Hidetoshi: It can’t be that bad.
Heihachi: Maybe. He only shows his good side through money. Money isn’t everything, you know. I want a father, not a benefactor.
Hidetoshi: Like “Great Expectations”?
Heihachi: Yeah. That was a great example. He never offers me any words of encouragement in what I do. He ridicules the hobbies that I love and the dreams I have for my future. I have to HIDE my interests from him, and yet he wonders why he’s the last to know anything about me! What a hypocrite!
Hidetoshi: Well, sometimes, you can’t do anything about that. He is the way he is.
Heihachi: Another thing. He doesn’t like the fact that I’m moving in with you in Winnipeg.
Hidetoshi: Why?
Heihachi: Because he hates you.
Hidetoshi: (Fire rages around him.) Why that no-good, son of a…!
Heihachi: Easy, d00d.
Hidetoshi: (Calms down and the flames surrounding him dissipate.) You’re… you’re right. Gotta watch the stress level.
Heihachi: No kidding, you almost blue-flamed that one.
Hidetoshi: Anyway… out of curiosity, why doesn’t your father like me?
Heihachi: Are you kidding? You’re asking why?
Hidetoshi: Oh, yeah. He doesn’t like any of your friends.
Heihachi: Yep, and he’ll find any lame-o excuse to explain why. For you, he said that you weren’t following Chinese customs in his house when you were staying with me three weeks ago.
Hidetoshi: That one was your fault. You never told me about them. You expect me to remember them all after all those years since the last visit?
Heihachi: Yeah, you’re right. My bad.

Heihachi shifted himself on his chair and rubbed his temples. Finally, he looked up and played the “Gavotte en Rondeau” MP3 on his computer.

Heihachi: (Sighs comfortably.) Ahh… this part of the Bach Partita always calms me down. I love this solo.
Hidetoshi: Who’s playing it?
Heihachi: Hilary Hahn. She’s quite the prodigy. Started playing at an early age as most violinists do, but she advanced really quick for her age. She made her first recording when she was 13 or 14.
Hidetoshi: Wow.
Heihachi: (Winks.) And she’s easy on the eyes, too.
Hidetoshi: (With a straight face.) You’re sick. She’s under age, man.
Heihachi: What are you talking about? She’s in her late teens now!
Hidetoshi: (Face faults.) Oh.
Heihachi: Anyway, back to the Winnipeg topic. It looks as though my parents came to a conclusion. They decided to get my cousin from Malaysia to replace me. They have to sponsor him over and everything, but it may take a year.
Hidetoshi: Ouch. That’s a long time. It puts our plans in jeopardy.
Sean Connery: (Suddenly appearing.) Of course it does, you pansy!
Heihachi: (In shock.) What the hell are you doing in my basement???
Hidetoshi: (Also in shock.) What the hell are you doing in this town, for that matter???
Sean Connery: You’re not a fan of the ladies, are ye?
Heihachi: (Indignantly.) Of course not, I AM a fan of the… (Suddenly shakes his head.) …What the hell does that have to do with anything???
Hidetoshi: Yeah, what gives? I don’t get what you’re talking about!
Sean Connery: Oh, I think ye do, Trebek. Indeed, ye do.
Heihachi: (With a murderous glint in his eye.) GET OUT.
Hidetoshi: Uh oh! (ICQ style.)
Sean Connery: Come over here and make me, ye Canadian panche!
Heihachi: Oh, that does it!

He stomped over to Connery and sent him flying into the stratosphere with a sidekick.

Heihachi: That bastard.
Stefano: (Showing up.) There are things about me you do not know about.

Silence.

Stefano: Oh, come on, don’t you know who I am?

More silence.

Stefano: Forget it. (Walks out.)
Heihachi: (Pulling at his hair.) Where do these people come from???
Hidetoshi: How the heck do you kick them into the stratosphere without making a hole in your roof?
Heihachi: Err… hey, what were we talking about again?
Hidetoshi: Huh? Umm… I don’t remember.
Author: Whew! That was a close one!
Heihachi: Oh, yeah, I remember now.

Flashback. Heihachi and Hidetoshi are in the basement.

Heihachi: Anyway, back to the Winnipeg topic. It looks as though my parents came to a conclusion. They decided to get my cousin from Malaysia to replace me. They have to sponsor him over and everything, but it may take a year.
Hidetoshi: Ouch. That’s a long time. It puts our plans in jeopardy.

End flashback. Heihachi and Hidetoshi nod in understanding.

Hidetoshi: Yeah, it’s all coming back to me now.
Heihachi: No kidding, we just had a friggin’ flashback in my basement!
Hidetoshi: Anyway…
Heihachi: Yeah, anyway… the process of sponsoring my cousin over might take less than a year, due to the new immigration policies coming this June. Who knows? Maybe I might be able to make it as we planned. Maybe a month later, or maybe more. We’ll just have to wait and see.
Hidetoshi: (Shuffles his feet.) I guess.
Heihachi: Besides, I’m gonna use this time to get a job and make extra money to buy a car!
Hidetoshi: Wow! A car? Really?
Heihachi: Yep! I wanna be able to travel around Winnipeg without any problems, you know what I mean?
Hidetoshi: Oh, for sure! Smart idea! So… what kind of car are you gonna get?
Heihachi: (Enthusiastically.) A Volvo!
Hidetoshi: …
Heihachi: Hidetoshi?
Hidetoshi: …
Heihachi: Umm… what’s wrong?
Hidetoshi: …
Heihachi: Umm… it’ll be a blue Volvo…
Hidetoshi: (Suddenly bursts.) ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FSCK’ING MIND?!?! A VOLVO?!?!
Heihachi: (With a weak smile.) With an MP3 deck?
Hidetoshi: NO Volvos!
Heihachi: Awww… why not?
Hidetoshi: Because we’d be infringing on copyrights!
Heihachi: (Gasps in realization.) Oh, yeah! Oops!

Visit Real Life Comics by Greg Dean.

Heihachi: Well… I always wanted a Honda. Maybe a Civic hatchback or something.
Hidetoshi: Really? Why?
Heihachi: Well, it’s a stereotype that Chinese guys own Hondas decked out with a pounding stereo and all kinds of body kit mods. That, and I wanna put a “MUGEN” decal on the back.
Hidetoshi: Cool!
Heihachi: I know! They sell them real cheap on eBay!
Hidetoshi: Awesome!
Heihachi: Anyway, I’ll get a car before I come down. It’ll save us a shitload of time.
Hidetoshi: Very true.
Heihachi: I also haven’t finished upgrading my computer and paying off my bills. I want to get those out of the way. At least some of the bills.
Hidetoshi: I guess so. Still… it’d be nice to have you come down earlier.
Heihachi: I know… but, at least I can get myself prepared more! Besides, three months IS a bit short notice. I’d be giving my parents the death sentence if I left that soon without giving them time to get somebody to help out the restaurant. I’m not THAT cruel.
Hidetoshi: That’s true. You’re the nicest person I know, br0.

A squirrel entered the basement, looking cute and cuddly while holding a walnut in its paws. Heihachi smiled and pulled out a phaser, vaporizing it with the annihilate setting turned on.

Heihachi: (Nods and puts away his phaser.) I know.
Hidetoshi: (In shock.) Uhh…
Heihachi: Wanna go grab some Twinkies?
Hidetoshi: (Shakes himself out of shock and shrugs.) Sure.

つづく。

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After making sure that the ad was satisfactory, he saved it and uploaded it to his rant space… then he went to play Diablo II.

Readers: (Tear drops appear on their heads.) …