RantFict #3: The Cool 2.0.3 Update

Heihachi sat at his computer, flexing his fingers and feeling pretty accomplished about himself. He did, after all, upgrade the site with a major overhaul. This was MugenHAN.com 2.0.3. Hidetoshi, sitting beside him while reading a book, raised an eyebrow.

Hidetoshi: Why only 2.0.3? You’ve updated your site more times than you can count.
Heihachi: (Smiles.) Oh, I doubt it. I drove.
Hidetoshi: …
Heihachi: (With a silly grin on his face.) …
Hidetoshi: にいさん, you’ve been watching too much Homestar Runner.
Heihachi: (Smiles.) So?
Hidetoshi: (Shakes his head.) Never mind. But, at least tell me why you only went to 2.0.3.
Heihachi: Well… the first version of the website was 1.0.0, obviously. It was only straight HTML with minimal JavaScript. Then, I updated the HTML to PHP to allow dynamic information. That was 2.0.0. I made a couple of cosmetic changes to the site. Switched to Japanese text support and increased the size of the website font. That would be 2.0.1. Then, I added a thumbnail link on the menu bar to JGirlz and added the random banner at the bottom. That was 2.0.2. I changed the physical layout of the source, added the dynamic survey, and the DATOR Shockwave game. That makes 2.0.3. Any more questions?
Male Voice: (From behind them.) Yeah. What the heck is DATOR?

Heihachi and Hidetoshi turned around in shock, seeing Tric Keyh – wearing Mac’s initial snowboarding outfit from SSX Tricky, no doubt – standing behind them.

Heihachi: (With a demonic gleam in his eyes.) What are YOU doing here?
Tric: (Maniacally.) It’s been a while since they let me come out to play!
Hidetoshi: (Buries his face in his hand.) Unbelievable.
Heihachi: How the hell did you ask me a question WITHOUT quoting SSX Tricky???
Another Male Voice: (From behind Tric.) Actually, that was me.

A guy that was identical to Tric – except that he was wearing some rather outlandishly glitter-and-glam clothes and had a wild spiky hairstyle – stepped out from behind him.

Hidetoshi: Nic?
Tric’s Clone: Actually, no. I’m Sic GLAY.
Heihachi: (Rolls his eyes.) Ricoculous.
Hidetoshi: So… Sic, is it?
Tric’s Clone: You can call me GLAY.
Heihachi: (Grimaces.) That’s really bad.
Hidetoshi: What do you mean? Doesn’t sound too bad.
Heihachi: GLAY is the name of a popular J-Rock band.
GLAY (Tric’s Clone): Hey, I liked the name, man. I swear, I’ve never heard their music before.
Heihachi: Who the hell clones you guys, anyway???
Nic Kleyh: (Walking downstairs into the basement.) That would be me.
Heihachi & Hidetoshi: (Simultaneously.) N-Nic!!!
Nic: That’s me.
Heihachi: What are you doing here?
Hidetoshi: I thought you were working on your new look for the new manga!
Nic: (Shrugs.) I am, but it’s not yet ready, so I decided to make a surprise cameo appearance.
Hidetoshi: Cool.
Nic: Well, I gotta bounce, bros. Laaaaaaaaate! (Leaves.)
Heihachi: Somehow, he always manages to be cool.
Hidetoshi: No matter what.
GLAY: You still haven’t answered my question, Heihachi.
Heihachi: What question?
GLAY: Well… what is DATOR?
Heihachi: Oh, right. Well, DATOR is infamous. Butcher. Angel of Death.
GLAY: … And…?
Heihachi: Sadistic. Surgeon of demise. Sadist of the noblest blood.
GLAY: Why are you quoting Slayer’s “Angel of Death”?
Hidetoshi: It’s his theme song! It truly describes who he is!
GLAY: No, it doesn’t!
Heihachi: Well… if you MUST know… he’s the most purest form of evil, an evil only surpassed by his mystery.
GLAY: So… what? You worship him or something?
Hidetoshi: Of course not! We fight against his oppressive tyranny!
GLAY: How? And where?
Heihachi: (With a grin.) We’ll show you.

All three sat in front of Heihachi’s computer, Mai-chan, except for Tric, who was busy trying to pull off uber tricks and failing because there isn’t enough “air” in a basement. The dim glow of the monitor shone on their grim faces until it turned into a greenish hue. GLAY’s expression went to shock.

Heihachi: You have to be very careful here. <PLINK!>
Hidetoshi: Hit it back at him at an angle!<PLINK!>
GLAY: (With a flat expression.) Err… <PLINK!> … it’s 3-D Pong. <PLINK!>
Heihachi: (Without taking his eyes off the monitor.) Of course, it is! (Quickly moves his mouse.) <PLINK!> What were you expecting?
GLAY: THIS is the evil you’re talking about?!?! <PLINK!>
Hidetoshi: That’s right. <PLINK!> DATOR can only be drawn out of his disguise as the computer opponent … <PLINK!> … by challenging him to a game of 3-D Pong. <PLINK!>
GLAY: (In exasperation.) This is stupid! <PLINK!>
Heihachi: No, no! It’s a brilliant plan, you see? Not many people know about his evil plot! <WEE-OOT!> Alright, I won that match!
Hidetoshi: You see, he changes his name back to DATOR after his paddle connects with the ball. It’s a clever disguise. His evil scheme for world domination is ingenious, what with his double points and all.
Heihachi: Okay, here comes the next round! <PLINK!>
GLAY: (Hysterically.) It’s just a dumb game!!! <PLINK!> DATOR isn’t even real!!! (Pulls at his hair in frustration.) <WEE-OOT!>
Heihachi & Hidetoshi: (They give him the laser-eye GLARE.) What did you say…?

Several hours later, Hidetoshi and Heihachi had finished beating Tric into the ground after he unsuccessfully tried to pull off Elise’s main uber trick for the 47th time.

Hidetoshi: So, what was the point of bringing Tric back here, anyway?
Heihachi: I have no idea. He had no place to stay, so I kinda felt sorry for him. We need to get him a new hobby or a day job or something.
Hidetoshi: I agree. We could turn him into a g33k like us. If we teach him to use his SSX Tricky quotes and actions sparingly, then he might actually have potential.
Heihachi: I agree. He actually pulled off Kaori’s Can-Can Air uber trick without wiping out on the concrete. With that much determination – delusion? – and spirit, he should put it to good use.
Hidetoshi: (Nods.) Well, let’s let him sleep it off and go check on GLAY.
Heihachi: Quit calling him that.
Hidetoshi: It’s his name.
Heihachi: No, it isn’t.
Hidetoshi: Sure, it is.
Heihachi: I’ll never accept it.
Hidetoshi: Whatever suits you, にいさん.

They walked out of the living room and into Heihachi’s room, where GLAY was sitting in front of the computer, completely zoned out.

Heihachi: Hey… what’s wrong with GLAY? <PLINK!>
Hidetoshi: Are you fighting against DATOR? <PLINK!>
GLAY: Shh! I almost have him! <PLINK!>

Heihachi and Hidetoshi stared at each other for a moment.

Heihachi: He’s hooked. <PLINK!>
Hidetoshi: And wired. <PLINK!>

They all took a seat by GLAY.

Heihachi: Okay, you’ll wanna hit it back in the opposite angle. <PLINK!>
Hidetoshi: And watch that return, it’s a nasty one. <PLINK!>
GLAY: Okay, I got it… <PLINK!> <WEE-OOT!> Alright! Gotcha, sucker!
Heihachi: You know, GLAY, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful g33kship.
GLAY: Sw33t.


Heihachi typed up a “classified ad” of sorts on the rant space of his website with a grin on his face. Hopefully, if all went well, somebody would reply soon. He perused the ad once over, making sure that he didn’t miss anything.

Ad: “Wanted. Mint, unopened copies of the following CDs – Hamasaki Ayumi: KANARIYA (Japan Version), and Hamasaki Ayumi: appears (Japan Version). Please send an e-mail if you have any questions. Business will be conducted arbitrarily through eBay, using PayPal as the payment medium. Thanks for looking!”

After making sure that the ad was satisfactory, he saved it and uploaded it to his rant space… then he went to play Diablo II.

Readers: (Tear drops appear on their heads.) …

Additional Resources

The one with all the Lesson Reviews.

I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with this blog ever since I started using Hummingbird last fall. So, I decided to try an idea of mine called Lesson Reviews. Essentially, it’s more of a “what I learned from X anime” than a review, but the thing is, there will be good and […]

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