RantFict #6: Back to the Future IV

Heihachi was sitting at his computer as usual, typing on Mai-chan and clicking the mouse occasionally. Hidetoshi was playing SSX Tricky with Tric. GLAY was sitting at another computer, battling DATOR. Again.

Girl’s Voice: (From behind Heihachi.) What are you doing?
Heihachi: (Leaps up in shock and hangs on to the moon in the sky.) YOW!!
Hidetoshi: Niisan, what’s happening? (Walks over.)

Hidetoshi saw the girl – or rather – two girls that were standing behind Heihachi’s seat. He looked up at the sky to see Heihachi hanging from the crescent moon.

Hidetoshi: [That’s weird. I can see the sky, but we’re in the basement!]

He glanced back at the girls and suddenly realized that they were cute and Chinese.

Hidetoshi: Umm… hey.
Girls: (In unison.) Hi!
Heihachi: (Drops from the moon.) What are you girls doing in my house? You nearly scared me to death! (Looks down at his hands.) Death…
black and inviting…
I stumble …
… falling into darkness…
somebody save me…
Hidetoshi: Bro, you’re not an angst website, no matter how hard you try.
Heihachi: Well, actually, I was being an angst LiveJournal, but close enough.
Hidetoshi: Anyway, who are you girls? And where did you come from?
Red-Haired Chinese Girl: Ngor hai Sammi!
Black-Haired Chinese Girl: Kokia!
Heihachi: Wait a minute. Kokia Wong?
Kokia (Black-Haired Chinese Girl): Yep!
Heihachi: Ka-Ka?
Kokia: (Nods cutely.) That’s me!
Heihachi: Okay, I’m royally confused here. You’re only two years old!
Kokia: I’m from the future, and 22 now!
Heihachi: Yow. The future.
Hidetoshi: (In panic.) Oh no, if you two get married, I’ll never be born!!
Heihachi & Kokia: (Simultaneously.) BAKA!!
Heihachi: Umm… anyway, what are you doing here? OTHER than disrupting the very fabric of space and time?
Kokia: Just visiting you, uncle!
Heihachi: JUST visiting?
Kokia: (Hugs Heihachi.) WAAAAAAAAH!! UNCLE!!!
Hidetoshi: Umm… I think there’s more to her story than meets the eye.

It took a few minutes of crying before Kokia disengaged from Heihachi. After wiping her eyes, she recomposed herself.

Heihachi: Now that you got that out of your system, explain yourself.
Kokia: Okay. In the future, you’re dead.
Heihachi: Whoa.
GLAY: Blunt and to the point. You obviously influenced her somehow.
Heihachi: Umm… how?
Kokia: (In confusion.) How?
Heihachi: How did I die?
Kokia: Oh! You fell off a skyscraper.
Heihachi: (In shock.) How did I fall off a skyscraper???
Kokia: You got pushed off!
Tric: Ooh, murder mystery!
Heihachi: Who pushed me?
Kokia: Yourself.
Heihachi: Suicide???
Kokia: Umm… no. You kinda had to, or else the computers would have killed you themselves. You see… in the future, computers are conscious, self-sufficiently mobile, and EVIL.
Hidetoshi: Self-sufficiently mobile?!?!
Kokia: HEY! You’re supposed to concentrate on the evil part! I did emphasize it, after all!
Heihachi: Okay, okay. Calm down. So, did you come back JUST to visit, or do you plan on messing with history?
Kokia: Oh, I’m gonna mess up history big time so that we rule the world!! (Mad laughter.)
Hidetoshi: (Flatly.) Congratulations, niisan. You taught her well.
Heihachi: Umm… in case you haven’t noticed, taking over the world is WRONG.
Kokia: That’s not what you say in the future.
Heihachi: I would never say that, nor would I believe that!
Kokia: You told me in the future that this day changed that forever. Oh, that and watching Invader Zim.
Heihachi: Yeah, right. Now that I know this, I will refuse to change my mind. <KNOCK! KNOCK!> Huh? Somebody’s at the door.

Everybody followed Heihachi upstairs where a postal worker was waiting outside the door.

Heihachi: Yes? Parcel?
Postal Worker: Umm… actually, no. Unfortunately, I have come to tell you that Canada Customs is no longer allowing you to import any more items into Canada. You’ve exceeded your maximum import allowance for the year, so all your future packages until this time next year will be consfiscated and destroyed. Have a nice day, though! (Leaves.)
Heihachi: (Starting to glow red in anger.) K-kono…
GLAY: He’s gonna pop!
Heihachi: (Turns into a Super Saiya-jin 3.) THEY WILL PAY!!! I’LL TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND I WILL ABOLISH THE CUSTOMS SYSTEM!!!
Kokia: (Grins.) See?
Hidetoshi: This is wacked.
Sic: WAI~! Heihachi wa Suupa Saiya-jin 3 desu!! Kakko ii!!
Heihachi: AAH! OUT OF ENERGY! (Turns back to normal and falls off a cliff in a car.)
Author’s Note: Sumimasen, shamelessly stolen The Jar joke.
Kokia: Is he gonna be okay?
Hidetoshi: Sure, people have a higher tolerance for pain, especially if we’re not being serious.
Kokia: Oh. I should try that later.
Heihachi: (Suddenly appears.) Well, let’s get back downstairs to do some serious plotting!
Hidetoshi: Good idea. Those Customs idiots made me pay taxes on my sword. They should feel my wrath!
Heihachi: By the way… is Sammi here also from the future?
Kokia: Nope, just a cute girl I met after I arrived that I thought you might like. You always complained about being lonely in the past.
Sammi (Red-Haired Chinese Girl): Hey, I was brought here against my will.
Kokia: (Holding a gun against Sammi’s head.) What did I tell you about not cooperating?
Sammi: (Meekly.) Right, I forgot.
Heihachi: What the hell have I taught you?!?!
Kokia: Oh, pretty much everything you know.
Heihachi: Crap.

つづく。

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