RantFict #7: Attack of the Engrish-Dubbed RantFict!

Heihachi sat on the couch instead of in front of the computer for once, playing SSX Tricky on his PS2. Sammi sat to the left of him with Hidetoshi to the right, munching on some chips. Tric was playing Diablo II on a computer and GLAY was busy reading a novel, seated in front of Heihachi’s computer, which was playing some J-Pop.

Hidetoshi: Niisan, you play as good as.
Heihachi: Thank you it assure to hearing.
Sammi: Umm… hey, what’s up with the bad English?
Hidetoshi: No weird.
Heihachi: We getting melty feeling.
Sammi: (Inches away from them.) Okay, I’m officially afraid.

Kokia suddenly came downstairs with an ice cream cone. Sammi immediately rushed over.

Sammi: Hey, something’s wrong with those two.
Kokia: What do you mean?
Sammi: They’re talking very… strange.
Kokia: (Turns to Heihachi.) Uncle? What’s going on?
Heihachi: Nothing going. Feel fine!!
Hidetoshi: Play game. Eat snack. Enjoy crispy life!
Kokia: That IS strange.
GLAY: (Looking up from his book.) You mean he never acts like that in the future?
Kokia: (Shakes her head.) Not that I know of. (Furrows her brow in thought.) It DOES seem familiar though…
Hidetoshi: Niisan, you eat! Ruffles 3-D’s! The chip you eat carefully to savouring whole goodness inside! Enjoy it the taste!
Heihachi: Other is the crispy flavor!
Kokia: Wait a second, I remember now! They’re speaking Engrish!
Tric: Don’t you mean English?
Kokia: No, Engrish! It’s bad English, Japanese style! Uncle and Hidetoshi used to speak it when I was younger.
GLAY: … Disturbing.
Heihachi: But is neat you take.
GLAY: (Icily.) Don’t talk to me. (Goes back to his book.)
Hidetoshi: No sleep making big problem. Solve problem it life one way. Hard work but satisfy the need to!
Heihachi: (Nods.) True.
GLAY: (Pulls at his hair in frustration.) Why can’t you two speak normally, dammit?!?!
Kokia: (With an evil grin.) You take it the snack to relief the pain naturally go!!
GLAY: (Runs away.) AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
Tric: (Laughs.) That take good. Make the heart laugh it not he awaying.
Sammi: Oh my god, it’s infectious. I’m gonna let this blow over. (Leaves.)

Everybody stared at each other.

Heihachi: She’s not crazy.
Hidetoshi: She’s quite normal.
Heihachi: No hysteric screaming or anything.
Hidetoshi: She didn’t join in either. She just left. Quietly.
Kokia: Amazing.
Heihachi: Where the hell did you find her?
Kokia: She was sitting in the food court at a mall in Vancouver and we just started talking.
Hidetoshi: And?
Kokia: She’s actually not all that girlish. I wonder why I brought her here for you, anyway?
Heihachi: (Shrugs.) Oh, well. She’s not really my type. I like girls that act cute.
Kokia: (In a sweet tone.) I know, you even made sure that I acted cute while I was growing up!
Heihachi: (Grins.) Yep, that sounds like me.
Kokia: (Pouts.) Unfortunately, all the boys at school wouldn’t stop hitting on me. (Grins wolfishly.) That’s when I showed them my tough side! Heh heh heh… (Cracks her knuckles.)
Hidetoshi: Niisan, I think that you’re gonna be making a big mistake.
Heihachi: Heh. I know.
Hidetoshi: And knowing the end results, you’re still gonna do it?!?!
Heihachi: That’s the plan! (Laughs maddeningly.) OHOHOHOHOHO!!!
Hidetoshi: (Covers his eyes with his hands.) Oh, dear god.

つづく。


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Additional Resources

The one with all the Lesson Reviews.

I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with this blog ever since I started using Hummingbird last fall. So, I decided to try an idea of mine called Lesson Reviews. Essentially, it’s more of a “what I learned from X anime” than a review, but the thing is, there will be good and […]

Comments

  1. rivendarkangel says:

    I make the comment! Enjoy write! Tricentennial is post as soon!

    Ok so I suck at Engrish. I’d learn it better but I’d feel like I were being racist O_o

  2. Hahaha, well, it’s not that bad. All the minimal Engrish you need to know comes from All Your Base.

    Don’t worry, Engrish is a double-edged sword. If you’re being racist, it’ll only be to yourself since you’re the one making fun of your own language! Besides, it’s funny and actually kinda challenging to say too.

  3. rivendarkangel says:

    *laughs* I must learn more. Hehehe.

  4. Well, here’s your first lesson!

    In American English, there are 12 phonetic vowels we use to pronounce, but in Japanese, there are just five and all the sounds are limited to a strict syllable-based sound system. The most humorous to note would be the use of only one set of sounds that corresponds to both L and R. As a result, some English words don’t work very well when translated to Japanese. For example, “Lord of the Rings” would sound like “Road of the Rings” (and it did) because lord and road are the same in Japanese. Here’s an even worse example: the words, “crash”, “clash”, and “crush” are all the same in Japanese, which is why there is a debate for the anime, “Bubblegum Crash”. Then, you have a word like “election”, which is interchangeable with… well, you get the idea. O_o

    Now, using these concepts, you have a better understanding of why there are sometimes totally weird words used in Engrish.

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