That Girl

It’s kinda been a while since I last said anything (no, really – it’s been 24 hours!!!), so I thought I’d recap what happened the other day.

I logged on to MSN through Trillian for the first time in weeks!!! 秀利弟 was online, and so was のりこ, so I chatted to both of them while typing up the latest RantFict. Then… SHE logged on. The same girl who I thought I had feelings for… but I guess I was wrong. I got over her rather quickly, and upon seeing her logged on, I started talking to her. She was acting rather immature about the whole thing, like it was MY fault, but she kept insisting that she wasn’t mad at me. Bullshit. We used to be friends, and friends shouldn’t treat each other like that, no matter what happens. I doubt we will ever be friends again. This is the last straw – she ALWAYS does something to piss me off, whether intentionally or accidentally. Oh yeah, and she always has to come out RIGHT, because she’s been through more shit than I have. More shit than anybody on this planet. Well, dammit, if you wanna be conceited, don’t be conceited about how bad your life has been. It’s just sad. She always said that she was a lot more mature than most people, but the way she’s acting… it’s childish. I’m not trying to poke at her, I’m just stating the facts. I’m not mad at her either, and I’m willing to talk to her and not ignore her like she’s doing to me, but any chance of us getting together are over. I wouldn’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t understand me and doesn’t realize how much I’ve done for her. The girl’s got issues that she needs to deal with, and I don’t think I can be the one that can help her through them. She’s strong on the outside and weak on the inside, too headstrong and too wary. It’s a bad combination. I’m not saying that I’m perfect either, but who is? Somewhere out there, there is somebody who is capable of being a pillar for her, and I’m not the one. I’m both relieved and downcast about that. Relieved because I was about to be crushed under the weight of her problems, and downcast because I had gotten so used to her that I was starting to get better at holding them up.

If you’re reading this, be glad that I didn’t mention your name. I know many of your secrets, but I don’t give them away and I don’t break promises of keeping them. I hope you truly appreciate that… as well as everything else I’ve done for you, but I know that you won’t. I’m always just second rate to you. The guy who, if I were the last one on the planet, you STILL wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about. I had problems too, but when I told you about them, yours were always worse (or better?). I got nothing out of this friendship, no support from you, and no sympathy. You only needed me to comfort you. I’m sorry, I’m not the one for you, nor am I the friend you’re looking for. By the way, you still have my anime DVD and my game CD. I would like them back, please.

Final words to you, though? I truly hope you find a way to rid yourself of your demons. I hope you find a way to let go of the past and leave it there, because what’s happening in the present is more important. You’ll never be able to move forward if you’re always looking back. Most of all, I wish you happiness, a happiness that you have never experienced yet, a bliss that will make you forget why you were so unhappy before. I also hope you remember me later, and think of the fun times we had, and realize just how much I cared. I am still grateful to you, you changed me and made me able to open up to people – something that I haven’t been able to do well in the past. You also made me hate the hell out of Neopets. Hahaha. I guess this is good-bye. Have a good life, live long, and be happy.